Day 4


A part of me wonders what the point of all this is. Not in the “why am I here” kind of sense because I know why. You may not believe it but I still have few brain cells left firing in my computer I think. Even if they are just passed out and jaw-jamming up there.  But anyway, I wonder why I choose to hide from the person that is me. I spent all these years running, all these years trying to numb my raw emotions, and trying to pretend it wasn’t the way it was. I tried to pretend it didn’t hurt when it did, that I wasn’t scared when I was, and that I didn’t need you when I did. All of those denials of self led me to here. I am not the hooded and cloaked drifter, the lone wolf, mysterious and quiet. I am a human being. Vulnerable and scared but also brave (or so I’m told). I want to be a better man, brother, son, and friend but a part of me wonders if all that will ever be good enough. Will the sun rise warm my skin the same way it warms this planet that I call home? Is natural happiness enough or is it true that once you know what your mind can experience artificially you can never truly go back? I wonder now if my mind can ever truly recede back to me or if my glass will forever be half full.

Tonight I stayed up the latest I have since I got here and I talked with some new friends in the games room about our stories. One thing I realized while listening to them was that everyone’s fucking story is the same. I mean, the details might vary slightly but fundamentally it’s all close. I am not a unique and beautiful butterfly. I am just, like all these other skunk apes, a terrible communicator with low self-esteem and a chip on his shoulder. I am learning though, that by recognizing these canyons of character I will allow myself to build bridges and reconnect my heart and mind. I can feel myself getting closer with everyone including the Phase 1’s in week 2. I sat and shot the shit with them for a couple of hours while putting the finishing touches on my guitar strap and got to know them and, in a way, myself better. I guess the no cell phone policy here is not just in place to prevent us from scuttling to our rooms and marathoning a porno for 18 days. Who would have thought?

I want to say something meaningful and profound to finish off each of my journal entries but tonight I can’t think of anything. Maybe its because I’m tired or perhaps my motivation for writing is lacking tonight.  The pain that has so long been my muse fades away and perhaps takes my pencil strokes with it. Oh fuck look at that shit, profundity achieved. Wait, is that even a word? I guess my tired is showing through. Time to drool on the plank for another night.

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