It is becoming harder to keep up with these journals lately. I have become more preoccupied with each day that passes. Playing sports and risk and cracking jokes with the guys seems to be higher on my to-do list. It doesn’t help the situation any that my Councillor has me writing daily journals for him as well to provide feedback on. I know the aim of it is to have him better understand me and in turn, have my time here benefit me more but it is still taxing. So basically, since day one I’ve been writing this personal journal for me and drawing pictures of random shit that I think of that lines up with how I’m feeling at that moment and giving it to him to interpret. It is actually a good creative outlet for me and it serves the purpose it was intended to I think. Fuck though, If the roles were reversed I can’t imagine what I would think if some grown-ass man was handing in connect-the-dot spiders with top hats and canes for me to complete. In all likelihood he probably thinks somebody let the smoke out of my computer but it’s fun none the less. It’s got to be a sign that I am returning to my old self again.
I sometimes lose sight of the reason I am here though. I feel so much better now than I did before, that some days I forget I am an addict. Some days I wake up confused, in this strange place in my mind and in this world, and I am left wondering where I am or where I am going. It is a beautiful and simple place there, for those moments, in ignorance; in limbo. Anyways, I think when I bust out of here I’m going to need to devote extra energy to maintaining my recovery because my ADHD will for sure ADD an extra element to account for. Fuck, I’ve been trying to use that pun for like 5 journals now. It’s everything I’d dreamed it would be!
It scares me to have to go back to work and face everyone. I know most of the guys will just be happy to see me and I am probably making it out to be harder than it is in my mind but I’m still nervous. I am going to be a different person, the same fundamentally but different too. Will they accept me? Will they forgive me? I just don’t know. I am excited and scared to find out. Most of all though I just want to apologize to [my foreman] and thank him for giving me a second chance and being so understanding and supportive. In all honesty I should have lost everything but I didn’t and that is worth something in my books. He must see something in me that doesn’t show when I look in the mirror, at least not yet anyway.