I talked late into the night last night with [a new friend] about [an ex girlfriend] and my relationship with my family and friends. It was shocking to hear just how similar our battle stories are and I guess, in a way, how similar we are as people. I trust him, which is strange considering the web of bullshit we’ve both apparently spun over the last few years. To the people we care about, we are liars. You know, that is the hardest thing to come to terms with. All the anger and hate I held towards the people who loved and cared about me the most. Just because I didn’t have the courage to stand up to my sadness and face it sword drawn. I denied it and pushed away those I hold most dear to my heart.
I struggle with my feelings about it because in a way, I feel like it’s to late to finally feel all the hurt I do about those memories. Like some how, because so much time has passed me feelings are invalid… Expired. Am I even justified in wanting to reconnect with the people I’ve hurt and been hurt by just to apologize and explain to them why? Or would that just be bleeding a sealed scar? It’s strange how my drug use created a sort of emotional time machine within me. Where all of the conversations I had with the people that were concerned about me and wanted to help, were just brushed off and “yes-manned” because I couldn’t feel anything. Because I didn’t want to feel anything. Because I didn’t feel I was anything. Now come flooding back to me with waves of empathy and fucking real, in-the-moment, feelings as powerful as if I was there in those moments again.
I can see now how much I fucking killed the inside of them by painting my heart with that black brush. Every tear drop and every broken heart is now my cross to bear. I guess when you evict your soul there is no one left to pay the bills. So I carry now, in my heart and mind, the scars of the war I waged on myself and these days I’m left wondering. What great evil would compel a man to want to destroy something so beautiful? And today, in polarizing comparison, what would be powerful enough to bring a man back from that ledge? A captive of my own mind, I wage a different war today. A war to keep my soul inside and to keep the past behind. But if nothing else comes from my new life I hope to learn to stop and smell the flowers, because in order to see the beauty of simplicity, you must first see the simplicity of beauty.