Day 10

“Candles”

I didn’t write yesterday. It could have been because I had a lot to do for the course but who knows, maybe I just didn’t feel like it. They had us do this project called an “anger drawing” where you think about a memory from the past that upset you and you draw a picture of it. The idea was to resurrect that memory back to reality by putting it into a form that you can feel and touch, something real. That way you can really face it again. At least I think that was what they were going for but then again, I used to eat dandy-lions and throw dirt clods at my house, so its not out of the realm of possibility that I’m off base. Either way, I chose to draw the time when I found the letter from [my ex-girlfriend], after we had broken up and she had moved all her things out, saying that I “would never find another person that loved me as much as she did” among other emotionally devastating things.

It is surreal how much I still carry that pain in my heart. The sadness and doubt I felt during that time, that I worked so hard to suffocate and destroy now sits with me in this room. It stares deep into my eyes and dares me to look up from the pages of this journal and challenge its dominion over me. Do I have what it takes to face it? How can anyone move past all the hurt and get back to being normal again? I feel like I gave a piece of my soul to her and she took it with her when we broke up. And it is that void I have been trying to fill ever since. Never quenching that thirst. Never feeding that hunger. Never catching my breath.

I can still remember the way Nirvana sounded through my sliding glass door on to my patio in the summer and how much I idealized Pearl jam’s performance of “Black” at woodstock 99′ when I watched it on youtube. I remember how I would come home from work to my empty apartment and collapse in the hallway in tears. I would miss her so much and all I would think was “You did this. You made the choice to end it. You can’t feel this way.” I knew I did it for a reason that was months in the making. It didn’t just happen over night and I had thought it through for a long time but somehow in that moment, it felt so sudden. Like my whole world had tilted and I was sliding towards the edges of the earth to be lost forever to the never-ending vastness of space. And by some force, be it luck or fate, in one of those same moments I heard the song “Venice queen” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and for 6 minutes and 7 seconds, for the first time in weeks, I was relieved of my pain. Even if it was only temporary. I truly believe that the music of RHCP was the life jacket that kept me afloat during that time. Without it I surely would have died.

The sun is rising now outside my window and I can see all of it’s beauty as it lights up the sky. But, like the windows and walls of my mind, if I venture out there I will be met with a cold that will chill me to my core. One that will expose the piece of my heart and soul that I gave away and never got back. And I’m not sure I’m ready to face that yet. I know I am romanticizing the situation but for some reason I can’t help it. These feelings are real to me right now, no matter how fleeting they may be in the grand scheme of things. My heart wants so badly to believe that somewhere out there, beyond the realm of my mind, she has a candle lit for me too.

To be honest I think these feelings I feel are directed at how the best parts of that relationship made me feel and not necessarily at [my ex-girlfriend] herself. Either way, my puzzle pieces are starting to fall into place and I’m beginning to understand why I did the things I did and felt the way I felt. It makes sense now that I didn’t cry or feel upset when I broke up with girls after her because I was never really there. My heart was always with [My ex-girlfriend] and I couldn’t see that. Nothing was real to me during those times like I was watching my life as a matinee’ movie in some popcorn decorated theater somewhere. It’s sad to think about that now. How many people deserved all of me but got nothing? and How many people did I deserve all of? I guess I’ll never know, I guess neither will they. But maybe now, by learning more about myself and sticking to this program I will be relieved of this burden. Maybe now someone new will see my candle light and find me. Maybe they’ve been looking this whole time but I just never had it lit.

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