Day 14

“Frozen in time.”

I had another dream last night. In it I saw a white wooden gate as tall as a man and wide enough to drive a motor home through. In front of it Cody [a friend from my childhood] was standing and he looked to be around 6 or 8 years old. I could not see myself but I felt like I was the same age because my perspective was much lower to the ground than it is now. Funny how the world seemed so much bigger to me then. So much safer.

Before me lay a soccer ball crowd surfing on the green grass and I was getting ready to kick it by him. The sun was shining and the skies were clear blue in all directions for miles. For some reason I could not see his face though. This was no more strange to me than the fact that in this dream, nothing moved. No gentle breeze, no warm sun, no sound, nothing. It soon dawned on me that this dream was not as much of a dream so much as it was a 3d still frame of a memory. One that I could only look at, as if it were kept in the pristine condition of a a family photo album that no one was allowed to touch.

I woke up sweating and remembered everything that happened in the dream, then in real life also. I remembered how one night, years ago, the little boy who was standing in front of that fence in my dream, put a gun to his head and chose to go where I couldn’t follow. What a strange thing to think of all these years later. Why now? why here? I was at a loss for a few seconds and then remembered how I chose to go to breakfast with [some girls] and [my best friend] instead of going to his funeral.

A wave of questions flooded my mind and I was at a loss for answers. I still am. Why did I do that? Was it because I was scared or just too selfish to bother? If there is an afterlife, what would that say about my life if our roles were reversed? What was going through my head at that time has long since been deleted from my memory and now all I’m left with is questions. I guess I should just forgive my past self for it and move on. Easier said than done though, I suppose some things take time. Some things take a life time…

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