Day 15

“Recede to me”

I am counting down the days until I am reunited with my life. What a strange thing that is to say but it’s true. I am filled with a renewed sense of hope and courage and I feel like I can stand up to the challenges of my new existence in this world. They say “face life on life’s terms” a lot in here but I don’t want to. Doing that practically left me for dead and out of control of my own life.  So fuck that shit, I’m going to face life on MY terms and from it, mold a life for myself that is worth remembering. One that is worth living. One that is worth sharing with someone.

Never again will I lay awake chain smoking in my bed, listening to my heart racing, just hoping to make it through the night. Promising myself empty words and hollow oaths. Never again will I forsake my love and kindness for indifference and madness. I’ve walked that road and it’s an ugly and menacing monster. I have no illusions about how hard this will be but the word’s of AK ringing in my head remind me that I’m not alone: “It’s a long walk down that road, it’s a dirty walk in, it’s a dirty walk back.” I draw so much strength from the depth of RHCP’s music. So much power behind their words. Maybe I could be worth something someday? Maybe I could move someone?

The demons from my past hold no more power over me than I let them. Their true power lay in my indifference. So it holds true that by caring about myself and others I take away the teeth of the beast. Honesty on all levels is the only way to make this work and a willingness to hold myself accountable is how I will maintain it. I feel a sense of calm coming over me. The person I have always been is coming back to life and it’s a beautiful feeling. I’ve been writing the shit out of poems and songs and with a clear mind the message I want to get across comes through crystal clear. Just like the light in my world today.