Weapons on the wall

“Weapons on the wall”

The weapons on my wall are symbolic. They serve not to harm the living, but instead, they keep the dead, dead. That man inside of me who sought to destroy all I hold dear, who sought to destroy me, I do not hate him. He was lost and so far from home, so far down he could no longer see the light anymore. I suppose when the lights go out we all act a little crazy. For better or worse.

My imagination hangs there too, on my living room wall, fastened to it by bolt and screw but also by my heart. My mind turns to memories as I let go of the pain I felt for so long, slow and steady, I have taken on a great many challenges but in doing so have left the worst behind. All those days , before the storm, that I spent down by the river playing make believe taught me so much about what it means to truly exist in harmony. Not only with the natural order of the world but also within myself. Sometimes life will put a river in your way, and to cross it, you are going to have to get wet. But that’s ok, they are only shoes after all. And I, I am still me. After all things, I am still me.

My strength and will are strong today and I am looking forward to tomorrow. Looking forward to the future with the life force that has been re-uploaded to my soul, to the gathering of atoms and electrons that makes up who I am. I can’t pretend to understand my place in the orbit of this system but now, each day I can gaze out upon all its beauty, all it’s majesty, with eyes that belong to me and not some great sadness. They say that your eyes are the windows to your soul and for so long it was always raining inside my head. I am fortunate to have lived to see the sunshine again.

I am here. Enjoying the now, easily and naturally. Not all days have been clear but today, today is good. The swords hang on my wall but they are also in my heart, symbolic of the boy I used to be, but also of the man I will become. As each day passes I am learning and being learned by those around me and it makes me smile. It’s a strange thing how things that spiral down in life have the ability to rebound if you let them. I am glad that, here today, I don’t harbor anger towards the ones that love me the most, as I once did. Because you see, the darkness within me is all parts in equal to me, equally as smart, equally as strong, and always sought to isolate me from the ones who could really help me. The ones who really wanted to help me but didn’t know how. Because he knew that in order to feed his hunger he had to keep them far away.

The path I chose to walk is the path that got me here today. Here to these moments where I am fully alive. Where each breath I take fills me with life. It’s a beautiful thing to be alive. And although it was (and is) hard, I do not regret walking down that way. Because it is the same thing that almost destroyed me that made me whole again. Today, I am grateful. Today, I am happy, my wet shoes and all.

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