Lights in the dark

“Lights in the dark.”

All these little lights dot the sky and anchor the windows of houses in my line of sight. Each one comes from somewhere, stands for something, has some sort of meaning but what it is I am not entirely sure. My own light shines too, outward into the smooth silk of time and space, indiscriminately broadcasting my existence to anyone or anything that cares to wonder. We are all in search of something, someone, some idea. I see these photons and I read the story they carry, they touch me, they make me smile, they hurt me, they disappoint me, and inspire me. We don’t ever really see people, just the wavelengths of light they don’t absorb, the great mystery of the universe, seems to be everything in equal to me today.

Everyone is carving their own path through the rock. Just beads of water rolling slowly off the leaves. The path I have chosen not everyone will understand, a path I’m not sure I fully understand, but it is the way I have chosen none the less. In the midst of the chaos of each day I strive to find my piece of mind, a place to rest my head, a place within my soul where I can breathe deep in the moments of equilibrium I am gifted. Some days I find it, some days I am in question, but all days I am trying.

There is so much left to do. Setting the stones to build my castle, I must remember that not everyone is where I am and most, probably never will be. I am different and I am strange. Held together by my weakness born into strength. And despite the fact that I hurt sometimes, that people hurt me, I will try to understand, try to love them, and try to forgive. Judging myself not through the lens of a stranger but through my own.

The world can be distracting. It’s so easy to become fixed to the sidelines of life, watching the world turn, disembodied from its flight. As I sit here I realize how much I have left to learn about my own mind, my own existence, and I find my thoughts trailing off into memories. I remember sitting on my deck, not long ago, and hearing the sun thawing the ice on the rooftops. It’s intermittent crackling breaking the early morning silence. The record of the world is playing. It’s song settling deep into my soul as the warmth of the sun fights to contrast the chill of winter. Breathing it’s last few breaths before giving away to the summer heat.

So much of life is spent waiting, waiting to be somewhere, waiting to go, But in that moment I was present. A part of it all, with my friend little-man [my cat], I experienced all the world provided me. I wondered what it looked like to him, Did the colors I saw also reflect in his eyes? The fluttering snowflakes steadily drifted on the changing winds and with each passing moment I became more certain that the light I saw was as beautiful to him as it was to me, that I am as beautiful to him as he is to me.

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