Can anyone ever really be free? Free from their thoughts? From their regrets? As I sit here in the quiet of my house I am beginning to realize that in the same way the world turns, so do the creatures stuck to it’s surface, and so to must I. Everything is changing, just at different paces. The continents slowly re-arrange, the seasons stake their claim each year, and me, I feel a change in me. As to what it means though, I don’t know.
It is strange, that even as I sit here trying to put my thoughts to paper, my mind is struggling to turn over the engine and catch a stride. As if to intentionally boycott my previous statement. As it turns out, brains are dicks, which I suppose makes sense because sometimes the dick seem to call the shots. Oh man, here’s a guy who started of trying to write something meaningful and ends up writing about penises. I guess it’s like the old saying goes “The world revolves around dick and fart jokes.” And by “old saying” I mean “a saying I just thought up” but I have faith it’ll catch fire though. Anyway, I will try to reel this back in and I’ll sort out the whole maturity level thing at some point. Maybe. Probably not.
I guess what I am trying to get off my chest is this feeling I get at night sometimes on the weekend. It’s a sort of restlessness and overwhelming need for spontaneity, like I need to be everywhere all at once with everyone I love, despite the fact that I can’t make one definitive decision on what I want to do. It feels like I’m playing catch up with the world after spending so many years not returning it’s calls. Or who knows, maybe I am just being fast tracked forward to where I am meant to be at this point in my life and the feeling of being in fast-forward is just a consequence of that. I don’t think that destiny is a gift, it is something that must be earned. It just doesn’t make sense to me any other way, you have to make the sacrifices and hard decisions in order to have the life you want and reach your full potential. Because after all you can’t get something for nothing in this world.
I know deep in my heart that the life I see for myself, the life I want, the life I deserve, is only achievable if I don’t use. It’s one or the other, there is no middle ground for me anymore, maybe once there was, but now there isn’t. This weekend has been a very hard one but I made it through without falling victim to my mind. It’s strange how in those moments, when your will is failing, you forget about all things dear to you, about your life, about your friends, and the people you love. The feeling that something is missing and nothing is good enough is utterly overwhelming and your own mind works against you to cover your world in shade. It is a formidable challenge to keep your head above water when your mind isn’t on your side. Your life becomes measured in seconds and as each second ticks away you just have to not do it. Just keep driving, keep breathing, keep writing, hold your heart dear and just hang on. This weekend I went to war with my self and won, and although it didn’t feel good at the time, I am so happy to have stood by my soul, in rank and file, and made it through what was easily the hardest days yet. On the 3rd of April I became recognized in the eyes of the law as legally sober (90 days) and if nothing else that is something I can be proud of.
Everyday I move closer to realizing my potential and I imagine a day when I no longer have to shut my eyes to see my dreams. A day where I will be able to change peoples lives, help them, move them, love them fully and be loved. One day at a time though, one second at a time, they all count for something. Each day the world turns, I must turn too, and as time marches on I will always try to be a better man. Maybe then I won’t have anything to fear, maybe then I’ll be free.