See through me

“See through me.”

You are different now but I suppose it’s all the same to me. For I am the man who drew sword against himself and shed the blood of his friends. Some days the world is not enough for me but others it is all too much to take. And I can’t pretend I understand how this place works or even where I fit into it or if I do at all. I wonder if I was designed for a simpler time. A simpler place. Where people say what they mean and by just believing in something beautiful you could make it real. But this hive mind god complex breaks my heart and holds me captive. Just like everyone else. I suppose we are all just grasping at our little fragments of time so that one day we can look back at the photos and reminisce about the good ol’ days. The funny thing is though it never looks as good at the time as it does in hindsight and time seems to have a way of blurring the lines of hardship. I suppose that’s why they say history repeats itself. The hard fought hours we stake claim to, they hang by a thread and most people are just to dumb to realize it or perhaps they just don’t give a fuck.

I want so badly to wake up. To be cured. But I guess even more than that I want to be heard. I want to be listened to in the same way I hear. To be more than just a rented ear for the ravings of chemical blood. I want someone I can believe in and follow, with my whole heart, through that old screen door and into the forest. Someone I can trust in the fullest sense of the word. Tell your soul to me and take mine as a gift, for I find this place has an alternate agenda and long for an anchored port.

I believe you give away a piece of your soul to each person you meet. Each person you love. Each person you fuck. Even each person you hate. How much of it you give to them though, is not up to you, and when all is said and done there are no refunds. Instead, you are left with missing pieces, some small, some large, but all are see through. There is no pill to take. No quick fix home remedy. There is only time. I tried to smother this debt I owed to myself with chemicals and single servings of people but they were only a band-aids. And the interest on my loan just kept piling up until my soul was set for repossession.

I was born broken and I was born small but I was also born loved. Loved fully and completely for doing nothing more than simply being. I owe my life to you and I hope you know that it was your brave heart and loving eyes that pulled me out of the fire and showed me what it means to feel safe. To feel worth protecting. I am bigger now but beyond my body I am still just as small and my heart is only strong enough to face this world because of you. I still remember stories of the nights you would sneak into my room while I was asleep, creep over to the side of my bed, and pick me up. Gently rocking me back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. All the while singing to me your sweet song. And it was with each pendulum swing, cradled in your arms that you gave to me a full loving heart.  My heart. My soul. You instilled in me a love and empathy towards all the beings of this world, small and large, and you showed me all I needed to know to make it in this world.

You once told me that the true measure of a man is how he treats the most vulnerable creatures and it is by this code I have lived my whole life. It is in this code I trust, to mend my heart when it breaks, to overcome fear of love because of loss, and to have faith that it will all work out in the end. After all, life is not easy, and sometimes I wonder what the fuck I am even doing with it but over time I’ve realized that just because you don’t know where you are going, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the journey. And just because it hasn’t happened yet, doesn’t mean it never will.

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