“Take your time.”
I’m in a crowded room but somehow I feel more alone than when I actually am. I am alone in my head . It’s all in my head. Every synaptic message relayed in transmission from the outside world; shifted. Sometimes it’s hard to decipher these biased messages and in many ways I feel I can only guess at their true meaning, what it is really like outside. I use the many tools I’ve learned to find my way through the haze. Through the dark. But when I run out of options I just sit and watch. I watch and I listen but I am not the only one. He is listening too. Only, where I am watching the world, He is watching me. Listening to my heart beat and intently. Studying my every move. Waiting ever patiently for any sign of weakness. Any complacency. Any cracks in my armor.
The waves that break on me are wearing me down and I’m slowly learning I need to maintain my shores. Now that the novelty has worn off I find my self at the front lines of a war that has only just begun. I can’t help but feel like somehow I am being left behind. Like somehow these people I once knew only recognize me by the banner I used to bear. And that in some way, because Ive changed clothes, suddenly I am not good enough for them. Or perhaps it’s just the opposite, maybe these feelings I have of being left behind actually have their roots in the loneliness of my success.
They say perception is relative and I am starting to think that all these feelings are just symptoms of a mind confused. Maybe I am just moving so fast in the right direction that it just seems like I’m standing still and that in reality I am the one leaving. Either way, the result is the same. My exclamation mark is drawn over a question and it seems I have no one to show me the right way to go. No one to be my guide. I know by morning the sun will shine on a new day but somehow I just can’t get behind it. It all seems like I’ve been adrift on the ocean for my whole life and I’m learning that volley balls make great companions but are shit at giving advice. Fucking thing’s a good swimmer though.
This world isn’t the same as it once was. Everything has gotten cheaper and more disposable. I always thought I was wandering in the forest because that is where I feel most at home but even there I am not relieved of this strange mind. I find my mind drifting to the thought that somewhere along the way I became the forest itself. Laid my head to rest against a tree and became it. Just standing and watching the world turn below me in envy of the grass because at least the grass gets to be touched. I stand strong like an old poplar with my arms reaching for the stars, while all these pretty people walk amongst my feet trying not to bump into me.
I won’t believe that this is all there is. There has to be something I can trust. Someone I can share this whole experience with. But for now I must be patient, for now I must keep working on my own happiness, so that one day I can share it. All these long days filled with the words “soon” and “maybe” will not define me and change is never easy. After all, I can be decay, but what does that make you?
I know there is no time. There never is. Maybe there never has been. But it makes no difference to me. There is no safety in numbers here, I just have to have faith that it will all fall into place, and in time all the pretty puppets will be weeded out and only the real people will remain. I suppose these dog-days are just a part of the experience. Maybe the spring time heat is just getting to me. This god damn illusion ain’t fooling anyone, not even me. Though it has it’s days. The funny thing about a puppet is, once the ties are cut, they aren’t so unpredictable anymore. Just take your time on your journey because I have no use for it anyway.