I’ve got nothing but time and sunshine but all of your missing pieces aren’t mine. Maybe it’s just a sign of the times that I can’t seem to find what I’m looking for. Perhaps I just don’t know what it is I am trying to find in the first place. Either way I can’t seem to find a cure that isn’t 10 business days away and I guess overnight shipping is where this whole thing started anyway.
It’s like I am waiting for something to happen. For someone else to take the reigns for a change. But more and more I am finding that if you wait people out, they will eventually show their true colors. I guess if you keep fishing in the same small pond, you’re bound to catch the same kind of fish twice. Maybe that’s the problem? Maybe I just need to move on to a new pond or even a stream and try something different. Anything to avoid gathering dust. Anything.
I didn’t mean to be so see through. Maybe I scared you away. Or maybe I am the one scared. I know I am so fortunate to have all the great things I do despite these empty roads. But I just wish I could really feel that way instead of just knowing it. Like being punished with lines on a chalk board, somewhere along the way the meaning was lost on me. I mean don’t get me wrong, some days I truly feel it. Some days I’m all in. Those days are beautiful. But other days start and end with my bushel full of fucks yet undelivered. And it’s those days that I struggle with. I want to be productive and get things done but my processor just gets stuck on the proverbial load screen and I can’t be bothered to do anything. I guess I just have to trust it my brain will synchronize it’s functions sooner or later.
I am small. Pull your mind out of the refuse, I don’t mean like that. Men who think of that as a means of judging each other don’t hold high standing with me. Typically I try to avoid association with grown-ass men who need to use their fingers to count to ten. But I digress, that brain ailment I have seems to be affecting me today. Either that or I might just be going crazy. Maybe both. The actual reason why I said that is because of a trip I took recently to the glacier by lake Louise. The sheer size of the thing seemed to swallow us whole. The mouth of the mountain threatening to devour us if it hadn’t been for the heat given off by our small fire.
It was there, sitting with my best friend, soaking wet and aching from the cold, that I realized that my place in this world is no more significant than that of the squirrel we met by his home in the rocks. Or the birds who fly like sentinels keeping watch over the icy landscape. But instead, we are all parts equal to them. We belong to this world. If nothing else, the world would miss us if we left. The great earth, so much bigger than any of us, takes notice of us and enjoys our company. If nothing else.
I don’t like going back the way I came. Something about it seems like a waste. Instead I like to make circles of my journeys. I still end up back where I belong but the road I took to get there is much more interesting. We decided to go back by following the river down the glacier valley instead of back tracking to the path and taking the safe route back. The decision took us through thick forests, winding stream beds, giant piles of rocks the size of cars, and trap door snow banks that would be strong enough to walk on one minute then give way to pecker deep snow the next. It was truly a challenge. Not only our physical bodies but also our minds and by the time we had made it back I was left with the strangest feeling of quasi-shell shock. My bones ached for relief that my mind could not supply.
We walked back to the car beside the lake while hundreds of people passed us by and [My friend] said something to me in jest that stuck with me for some reason. He said: “None of these people have any idea of the hell we just put ourselves through.” At the time I just laughed but as time went on I began to think more about it and I realized nobody really knows anyone’s story. We all just react to strangers as if they had no lives before the instant they met us. Nobody gives anyone the benefit of the doubt anymore. Maybe it’s cause there aren’t that many good people left or maybe we are all just looking at it the wrong way.