Strange endings

“Strange endings.”

This country road could be any but the way I see it, it’s a symbol of something much bigger within myself. The rolling hills stretching for miles with roads, like rivers winding between them, hold my breath captive. And there in the night sky above the valley, the sky fractures and imprints it’s thoughts in my mind for just a moment before vanishing into memory. No one else will ever see what I just saw, and neither will I ever again, the split second artwork of the atmosphere truly lives for the moment.

I’ve stopped counting the days. I’m not sure if I just don’t care anymore or perhaps I care now more than ever. It could be a sign of something sinister or altogether something much more beautiful. I often wonder if I would be able to tell the difference anymore. If I could tell if the other part of me was trying out a new strategy of corruption or if by some miracle or stroke of luck my laboring mind has finally bore me the fruit of submission. The bending of self-destruction to the beautiful synergy I have found within myself.

I have a strangely optimistic outlook towards it all these days. Even despite the chemical chaos that seems to be failing to find a level in my head. Somewhere along the way I have realized that sobriety is not a date or a time. It’s not ugly or beautiful, happy or sad, or even real in some respects. It is all of these things and none of them at the same time. But more importantly it’s a state of mind and a way of life. Not to be taken for granted but also not for worship. I am finding the word itself has as many definitions as it does people who choose to be it and I think in many ways I don’t really know what it means. But then again, does it really matter so long as I am happy and alive?

The state of being “sober” is definable, concrete, and real. You can measure it and track it. But I think that “sobriety” is all together different because to me, it is a mentality and therefore doesn’t bend to the will of the material world. In that way, the mind is free to break rank and wander in thought to the home of monsters. Free to stagnate. And if left unchallenged free to manifest in those monsters in the physical world. That is why it is so important to realize the power of thought. To monitor and divert them back on course.

Sobriety isn’t real because it’s never something you can touch or hold. But instead, it’s more of a pathway to a good and long life, full of all of the things that make life unique and beautiful. It’s a journey and you choose where it ends. It’s almost like a book written in reverse. You already know how it ends if you choose to go back. Perhaps the destination is where we start and if you play your cards right and always find your way back to the pathway if you stray from it, eventually you will find yourself far enough removed that you will forget how to go back at all. And with that, find the breath you set out to find in the first place.

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