Love & Quiet Service.

“Love & Quiet Service.”

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It’s the winding down of time on my mind of late. The transience of all things. My heart feels both heavy and lifted with each breath you take, asleep and dreaming, resting from a hard days you. I hope you are happy. I hope you are comfortable. I hope you know how much you are loved. I wish with every fabric of my soul that I could make you whole and keep you safe in my arms from the churning decay of time.

You’ve lived a whole life in parallel to mine before we met and although I wish we had more time, everyday you are here is a gift that I will always cherish. You are the embodiment of all that I love in this world. So peaceful, so loving, so unique. Your little eyes, so sweet and filled with curiosity, reflect an image of my younger self and remind me to be who I am and that I am enough. Despite how I feel about myself some days. The tragedy of mortality seems an especially bitter pill to swallow, knowing what I know. I try not to let it get to me but some days it’s hard.

Everything else in my life seems out of focus and it is strange to think that, somehow everything has changed, even though nothing has. This truth existed before we knew it and I can’t help but to long for the comfort of ignorance, despite what that means. Foresight seems more of a burden than a gift but in reality, I know the opposite is true. We will have more time this way, it’s just hard to bear the weight of it sometimes. I am grateful that you won’t ever know and that by our knowing, you may live out the rest of your days in peace & comfort. Blissfully unaware and cared for to the very best of our abilities.

As I wade through emotions as deep as my heart I scramble to make sense of my surroundings. I feel I’ve lost all sense of direction in the wake of this new information. It’s so unfair that a little being, so deserving of life and love, should have to suffer the same fate as the rest of us. I hope that when that day comes, I may have the courage to accept the unchangeable and see the softer side in all of it. If there is any. To receive the passing of the torch and find the strength to comfort her, in love and quiet service as you have, for all these long years.

The vestigial mind seems to find it’s voice in times like these. Frantically reaching out into the darkness, desperately trying to find some permanent anchor to this world for us to cling to. But after a while, the fear and utter desperation gives way to reason and I realize that I have but to open my eyes to escape the echo’s of my anxious mind. When I do, I see you there, asleep and dreaming, in beautiful serenity. I can’t help but to break a smile. You are here with us for now, and that’s OK. Because we live here, forever in these moments together, and that is all that matters.

Now as I watch the fur on your little chest rise and fall with life, I can’t help but to feel so fortunate to have met you at all. Though the ache still lies just below the surface, my heart sings for the time we have left. All things that come must go, and in a way, that’s part of what makes it special. A chance meeting between friends, in love and in loss, that lasts for a lifetime and beyond. You’ve taught us so much, about love and life, and what it truly means to be a part of it all, and for that we are forever grateful. And when you find your place among the stars, we will carry you in our hearts, safe and sound, until the end of our days.

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